Well, the annual festival and feast of Independence Day is upon us, and like any self-respecting community that observes this important civil religious feast, we are dutifully doing our part by making sure that we prepare our Charbroil altar and sacrifice the appropriate sacred beasts kindly provided by Hormel, Johnsonville, and Purdue.

As with any sacred and holy festival, however, there are those of us who cannot afford to sacrifice and partake in the “accepted way.” But, lest the masses fear that their inability to acquire the sacred bulls or to procure access to the altar, many of our nation’s major retailers are democratizing the festival to unprecedented levels of popular access.

The following retailers now provide free altars upon which any number of sacrifices may be made:

A&P
Albertsons
BJ’s
Costco
Fry’s
Kroger
Big Lots
Brookshire’s
Hannaford
Lowe’s
Marketbasket
Path-Mark
Publix
Safeway
Sam’s Club
Shaw’s
Shop and Save
Stop ‘n’ Shop
Target
Trucchi’s
Vons
Wagner Hardware
Walbaum’s
Walgreens
Wal-Mart
Wegman’s
Winn-Dixie

Many even come with a higher rack for keeping the smaller parts warm while the main course is prepared!

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“America, America! God mend thine every flaw! Confirm thy soul, with self-control, in liberty and law!”

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